Submission, Surrender & Gratitude

Last year at this time I was lamenting.  I was fighting a spiritual battle that seemed to have no reason.  The rug had been pulled out from under me.  The summer missionary trip that had consumed me for 20+ years was suddenly cancelled.  Leaving not only me in confusion but over 100 children in foster care without summer camp.  Over 100 foster families counting on that week of respite, disappointed.  I wrote at the time, it’s not like God answers every prayer to my liking but this,  this was ministry.  How could this possibly be His perfect will?  I couldn’t praise and my trust was shaken.  I worried that maybe I had done my last camp and it saddened me beyond sadness. I wasn’t alone,  my fellow volunteers were suffering also as we grappled with the reality that we would not serve the way we wanted and had always done.  I didn’t get to join with my “royal family” who share the burden and the blessing of this ministry.  Worse, they were lamenting together and I was 700 miles away,  alone.

This March when word came down that camp would happen this summer,  I couldn’t contain my  excitement and my gratitude.  I prioritized prayer about the plans and I worked harder to be a good steward of the preparations.  I approached this camp as never before. This summer camp was different because I was different.  The hard times were still hard but I was so grateful to be there, I had more grace.  We were short staffed and I was exhausted more often than not,  but I was so grateful to have the stamina to keep going.   I had missed the chance to look into those little faces and give them a moment last summer so I didn’t miss a second this year.  My eyes filled with tears more often as I embraced that knowledge that next summer might not happen.

I still don’t understand that season,  I don’t feel that my faith is particularly stronger and I have no explanation for the time. I do know that this beloved ministry can be stripped away.  I had never considered that before.  I know now that those moments may never come again and I am compelled to make the most of each of them. I had never considered the privilege of serving the Lord with these kids.  I loved doing it. Last summer I wasn’t capable of surrendering this ministry.  I am now although I don’t want to. I never fully trusted the Lord with what we do,  (because we do it so well!) but I am convinced  it’s because of his grace and mercy.